From my heart (Mother’s Day)
To mother doesn’t require having a biological child. All of us have the capacity to embody a mothering role, whether we choose to birth or raise children or not. Some choose to mother their dogs or cats, their nieces or nephews, or take a work colleague or team under their wing.
For me, I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I collected a lot of dolls as a young girl, obsessed with how I carefully folded the small blankets to swaddle the baby doll, while my sister was focused on how many stuffed and plastic animals she could collect, and cared not at all about plastic babies needing imaginary baby food.
Raising a child is one of the most profound journeys of life. Although the debate about when motherhood begins will never be resolved, for me it was about halfway though my pregnancy with my son, my only child. I began to feel a connection to the little soul growing inside me, having vivid dreams about him and his spirit. I miscarried two previous pregnancies very early before him, and although I felt the physical effects of them, I did not have the same experience of knowing a little spirt was uploading its new life through me.
Then there are the layers of transformation we live through as motherhood takes shape. It’s a discovery of parts of ourselves we never even knew existed - new depths of compassion, sacrificing, giving, worrying and nurturing we experience.
As our children grow we begin to see their unique personality, their insecurities and fears, their inclination toward or away from peer group popularity contests and acceptance, and their ability to handle the inevitable pains life puts in their path. This unfolding is both rewarding and terrifying as a mother. When they are babies our all-consuming job is to keep them alive, feeding and protecting them around the clock. As they become toddlers they start to become our best little buddies, entertaining us and amazing us with the nuggets of wisdom that occasionally pop out of their young mouths and their comedic unfiltered honesty.
If we are lucky, we get to hold onto that buddy-bond, keeping them as close friends and allies. Though the teenage years might sometimes make us question if motherhood really was what we signed up for after all, as innocence is replaced with insolence and fierce displays of independence, we hope to keep the added layer of friendship.
We move away from posting about all of their trophies and triumphs as we allow them to make mistakes and stumble. This is also a hugely transformative time as a mother, because we are so conditioned to prove to the outside world that we are doing a “worthy job” as a parent by raising someone with A+ grades and exceptional athletic accomplishments. We place ridiculous amounts of pressure on ourselves in this race to appear a “perfect mommy”, comparing ourselves to how everyone around us is doing. We are forced to meet our ego face-to-face and ask ourselves, “who am I, when I free myself from trying to control the person my child is meant to be?”.
We do not own them, they are born with their own unique lessons to experience. How they live their lives is up to them. Instead of trying to manage our children’s personalities and achievements to make us feel better about ourselves, we can see ourselves as connected but separate, and allow them to experience life according to their own destiny, instead of our fantasies as mothers. For me, this has been the most important but critical shift in my motherhood journey.
Instead of being attached to our children achieving high status, high education, big bank accounts, and perfect looking relationships without any drama or heartache along the way, we can allow our children to be messy, unsure and imperfect. We get to see their spiritual growth as their own destiny manifesting, freeing our kids and ourselves from the cultural archetypes of what success means or looks like. Certainly in my 28-year old son’s generation I am watching this shift in massive ways, where the most important thing in their generation is spiritual fulfillment over MBA’s and six-figure salaries. They are forging a new path, and it is riddled with anxiety, uncertainty, life hacks instead of degrees, and innovative ways to create income and opportunities outside of 5 day workweeks and offices buildings.
I’m excited for this generation but concerned for how much I see them struggle to figure out this puzzle. They have an enormous task, reinventing cultural norms of what it means to be living a successful life.
As mothers, aunts, grandmothers, teachers and “honorary” mamas and aunties, our job now is to allow. Allow them to explore. Allow them to fuck it up a bit. Allow them to retreat when they need to, to regroup and reassess what it is they want and how to get it. Allow them to find new ways to create a life that brings them joy, while hopefully upholding a strong code of morals and values. For my son, I don’t know where you’ll land kid, but I’m confident you’ll land where you need to and you’ll make it great when you do.
To my own mom, and my grandma who got her angel wings many years ago, thank you. The love, kindness, and pride of what it means to be female you taught me has woven itself into everything I do and am. Counting my mom as one of my best friends, just as she did with my grandma, is one of my life’s greatest blessings.
For all of you reading this, whether you mother a child, an animal, your partner’s children or your friends at work, keep it up. The energy of the world right now is a rising of divine feminine power, meaning a world that prioritizes compassion and kindness over power and politics. I am honored to be alive at this time to participate in this shift, and grateful you are with me too.
